My Gratitude Journal Friday, January 16, 2015

Yesterday was another very long day as we continued our website migration at work, and I continued importing our data into our new system. I was very tired yesterday, and I did not sleep well the night before. I was glued to my desk chair almost all day, so I didn’t get out until…well…things went a little wrong!

Our tech team handling the website redesign needed to push back turning on the new website until Monday. We really could have looked at this as a bad thing – first it was supposed to be Thursday, then Friday, now Monday. I thought, personally, that it was a good thing. Not because I don’t want to do the work, but because I would rather lose a little time and have everything that is pushed out be fabulous, than demand to have an imperfect production pushed live and encounter errors.

Maybe a few years ago, in all the glory of my Type A personality and expectations around deadlines, etc, I would have been very upset by this. I might have even pushed to get this done on time, no matter what the cost. You said TODAY, then it gets done TODAY.

I still struggle with my Type A personality – at times I just want to pat it on the head and feed it a cookie. Other times, I let it show its face – and in those moments, I surrender briefly to old habits and paradigms, but I always get back up, dust myself off and resume again being the person I WANT to be rather than a person controlled by habits and situations.

A few years ago, though, I had a really life changing series of events. And maybe on the outside, it doesn’t look like much, but on the inside, my whole world shifted because I changed my point of view. Do you understand that? You can change your WHOLE world by simply changing your perspective. In fact, its the only way to invoke change, if you are really serious about doing the work.

So what happened to me? Well, I’m not going to go into all the gory details, but the boiled down version of it is this:

I finally had enough of the life I was living. It wasn’t a bad life, by SO many people’s standards. I made more money than probably most single moms. I had a home, I had good kids, we had food and shelter and a good car.

But …. I was MISERABLE. I had all these things – but I didn’t have what I WANTED in my life. Then, the catalyst occurred – I lost my job due to downsizing. And I was furious. FYOOOORIOUS.

And I …broke …for lack of a better term.

I would go into the basement where my office was, and into the bathroom down there that had this HUGE old shower – the house was built in the 1920s, and the shower was just made of ceramic block (I think) and it was probably 4 feet by 5 feet wide, with a painted floor. I would go in there, and into the shower, turn off all the lights, put the water on as hot as I could stand it, and I would CRY. I SOBBED. For days. I would purge myself this way whenever I could, when the kids were at school, when no one was home… and then I started writing.

It started out just like madness, venting everything, questioning everything, deciding what was most important to me in my life. What the hell did I WANT that made me so miserable because I didn’t have it?

And then, one day, I got this … “download” from the Universe and I knew what it was that I was looking for. And it was very simple, really. It was love.


But not a casual love – I meant the R.E.A.L. DEAL. The soulmate. The passion, the companionship, the best friend in a male body. My split-apart.

And something told me, too, that I already knew him, and had already dated him. I didn’t know who it was, I thought back through y “list” of what I thought was real, intense love that I had over the years of dating. There were three specifically that I thought might be the missing key. One was the young man I had dated throughout most of high school. His name was Matt, and he was/is a wonderful, wonderful person. He really was great. And I broke up with him when I was 17, really because of my brother. My brother told me one day that he missed the “old” me. Before I met Matt, I was … somewhat of a rebel – a bit reckless, foolish, but damn did I have FUN. And then I met Matt, and he was a church-goer. He was a devout Christian, and he had a peace about him that just lured me like a sailor to a siren. And I did a complete 180, and I because a devout Christian too. And I thought it was the right path for me. But in truth, it alienated me from my family. My parents were wise enough to figure it was just a phase – albeit a long one. But my brother – he missed the fun we used to have. And he kept insisting I go out with him and his friends, meet new people, do different things than going to church every Wednesday and Sunday. And because of that, I finally found myself again, and I realized that I was a Christian because of Matt. And that really, truthfully did not resonate with my soul. I ended up breaking up with Matt and turning back to Wicca and later to my pantheistic views.

But I thought – it couldn’t be Matt. He did go on to become a preacher – and he got a PhD is religious studies (I think). I’ve seen him a few times since then. And I DO still love him, but as a cherished memory of a wonderful man who has a completely different path in life than I do.

Then, there was Lee. Shortly after Matt, actually, I began dating Lee. He was about 8 years older than me, but he too was a great guy. But when I was dating him is when I began to truly misunderstand love. Not because of Lee – he was/is an outstanding person, and I really loved him and he really loved me, but it wasn’t enough. I had to deal with my own demons from things that had happened to me, and then being raped at college. It was like … GAME OVER …. I was really messed up for a very long time, and I broke his heart. which I truly regret. I knew that Lee had finally married, and I was happy for him, but I thought that maybe, just maybe, this was the one that my spirit was telling me about. I was not going to contact him – I hurt him badly when I left, which I never really got the chance after I figured it all out to apologize for, and I wanted that chance at least to tell him what was going on, and why I did what I did. But I knew that if it WAS him, he would find me. It was easy enough if he wanted to.

There was a third, too, Michael, which really terrified me on a way, our love was borderline harmful – he was supremely male, and was so many things I thought I wanted, but he was also extremely controlling, and he went into the Marines when we were dating and he came out totally changed, and somewhat callous and frightening. My Mom convinced me not to move with him to Hawaii, she was sure he would have killed me or taken me completely away from my family. I was only 28 or so at the time, and I knew that if it were Michael, with would be a battle of epic proportion.

So my solution was to write. I wrote, and I wrote. I wrote a love story, something not like a romance novel, but like a soul finding – a metaphysical ghostly …other-worldly love story. If anyone would have read it they would have probably institutionalized me. Poe would have appreciated it, at least. But I wrote.

And what I didn’t realize I was dong was I was channeling my SOUL into those pages, into forming the image of the love I wanted in my mind, but knowing it was being brought to me by Spirit, I hesitated to define its features – meaning, I THOUGHT I knew what it would like like, what man’s shape it would take the form of, but I wasn’t glued to it, it was a fluid idea. What I wanted was the LOVE. But I allowed Spirit to bring me that love in whatever form it chose.

I was Dreambuilding. I was visioning. I didn’t know the words for it then (I would very soon thereafter).

So, within a week or two of starting this, continuing my purging in the shower, continuing my book of love, I was at my computer one day, just bored, and I decided to message an old friend of mine. Well, not really so old – but his name was Scott, and we had dated a few years back, but I broke up with him because he was totally not ready for a real relationship. We remained friends though.

We started talking, and i realized very quickly that he had completely changed. He was ready. And from that first conversation in January of 2013, my request for love was granted, my soul-mate, by split-apart, my one true love … landed right in my lap. Or maybe I landed in his. But we have been together ever since, and we are engaged to be married, and truly happy.

So, my gratitude of the day?

That I have learned to relax my hands on the reigns on my life and accept that the Universe, Spirit, God – by whatever name you know it, is moving to make things happen RIGHT, not RIGHT NOW. I have the vision enough to understand that delays and things like that – they are just a little extra “build time” that is needed – whether its for a website, or for life.


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