My Gratitude Journal Tuesday January 27, 2015

AHHHH today, today today …. I will not be so sorry to see you go!  I just had a terrible morning, with some very frustrating issues popping up.  I actually got so frustrated that I was about to cry.

So, instead of keeping at it, and just banging my head on my desk, I left my desk, and went upstairs, and took a nice, long, HOT bath, scented with honeysuckle epsom salts, and I listened to a love meditation by Jon Gabriel that I really like.  I totally reset my day by allowing myself the time I needed to get it together, and by actively choosing to do things that would change my mood.

I am grateful today that I have the insight to know that I can do this, and the willpower TO do it – because it does take willpower.  Sometimes, I find that it feels almost GOOD to be mad – like you are filled up with righteous anger – “This guy is a complete ass-hat and just cannot understand what I am trying to tell him!” Or someone screws up and you think to yourself “You ABSOLUTELY SUCK!”

Why does it feel almost good to get all riled up like that?  I don’t KNOW the answer, but I do suspect some things.  When you take apart anger like that and really examine it – I think anger stems from just a couple base feelings.  Either, you are afraid – afraid of losing love, losing status, losing something important OR you are coming from a place of being foiled.  You are not getting what you want – you’re EGO is not being satisfied.

So I think that a lot of times, anger is basically a twisted expression of fear or ego.

I also, when I am thinking logically, understand that anger, unless your life is in danger or something and it gives you Hulk Smash powers, is really a very pointless emotion.  It sucks the life out of YOU, not the person you are angry at.  I mean, sure, you can lash out at someone and punish them with your words because you are mad.  But that anger and that vileness is really a shadow expression of your own soul.

So while I was soaking, I was reflecting on my feelings.  Why was I so frustrated?  Well, because my ego does not like it when things don’t go right.  Somehow I am personally affronted when systems don’t work, or things that are supposed to work (software, processes, etc) fail.

Software failed and processes failed at work, so my little 3 year old ego starts jumping up and down, yelling and getting all fired up because THIS. IS. NOT. WORKING. RIGHT.  And its sucking my day away when I REALLY have to be working on other things!  THE NERVE!!!

After examining my anger, and coming down to what I believe the base of it is, I can see how foolish it is.  Am I really going to do that to my body and my psyche because Infusionsoft has failed to correctly transmit my lead sources?  Is that worth the darkening of my soul for however long?  No.  Is it worth the tight feeling in my belly and the heaviness I feel in my middle because of the anger?  No, its not.  Its just a thing.  And I will figure it out.

So I picked the anger apart, and then I did a purposeful love meditation, and surrounded myself with light and love, and exuded that love out into the world.  And when I went back to work, every time I felt that frustration oozing back in, I consciously relaxed my abdomen and took a deep breath and released it.  And its a constant process, but it works.  And I am very grateful today for being able to do this and being able to bring myself back to my center and live as who I WANT to be by choice and practice.

#consciousgiving #RAKtivist

Leave a Reply